I've been feeling the difficulty of adjusting to being back more so this past week than when I first got home. For a bit I was still going off of the crazy energy I felt in Santa Fe, but after having difficulty falling asleep for days, and with my mind really still wanting to think about photography and work and being intellectual, everything caught up with me. I find myself feeling extremely distracted--I want to hunker down in front of the computer, get lost in imagery, daydream, fuel my thoughts, and the girls are demanding my time and attention, and then the guilt sets in. They're out of school and camp hasn't started, and I think this is part of my issue--we're out of our routine, they're being more needy than usual and I have very little patience left.
I always come back to that line Colin Pantall wrote a while back on his blog about the "relentless physicality of motherhood," and I've been feeling that bone-tired sense all this last week. Still, I'm hoping it's lifting a bit--all of us went into the city to the Natural History Museum for a lovely Father's Day, and I felt like I was truly enjoying them again. I remembered why I was sad to leave them when I boarded the plane for the Review, and how enjoyable motherhood can be when I let myself get lost in it. Plus, there's nothing like holding two little hands while walking down a city street. Now if I can just pull my brain out of its constant thinking, churning mode and let myself focus on the girls more, I think the balance will come back.