9/30/09

Roles

Life has been a bit crazy as of late. Not that it's not always (was that an improper use of a double-negative?), but I feel particularly overwhelmed. I'm still adjusting to the girls' schedules, even though it's been about a month since they went back. I'm loving being able to walk both of them to school, and we're actually on time (so far), but strangely having more time seems to be making it harder, not easier, for me to work. I don't know what it is, but I really would just like to lie on the sofa watching TV, eating candy, possibly with a drink in hand.

I think that having a kindergartner and a three year-old is affecting more than I'd like to admit--my babies aren't really babies anymore, even though of course they'll always be my babies, and there's a sense of loss down there somewhere, in a place I'm not ready to access. Admittedly I talk about loss perhaps too often on this blog, but this feels more acute, more specific.

Up until recently it's been a vague sense of their babyhoods slipping away, and now it's staring me in the face. June is still little, but she's not that little. And I'm approaching 35, and loved the early years of being a mom, and now my career seems to be taking off more which is amazing, but I think there's a bit of a pre-midlife crisis going on, a reevaluation of my role as a parent.

Looking over the above I'm suddenly worried that too much of my writing is in some ways "sad." I know I speak about my gratitude, but it seems to be coupled with some sort of rumination on time's passage. Am I getting repetitive? I suppose when I approach blogging it's because I feel that communal desire to share; when I'm content I don't need to write. It seems to be the creative way.

5 comments:

Anastasia Pottinger said...

I was introduced to your blog by a fellow photographer... and at just the right time! My youngest just started kindergarten this year and my struggle is similar to yours. He has some emotional issues so we are struggling more than I'd like to admit! I've had to pick him up from the office 4 times in 6 weeks for hitting a teacher or other child. Someone interviewing me yesterday asked how my immediate family affects my work and they are lucky I didn't just fall out sobbing! To say it has been an adjustment, just doesn't seem to give it justice.

Anyway, I'm thoroughly enjoying your blog and your work. You are inspiring me to pay more attention to shooting my immediate family before those moments are gone. Hang in there!

Terri Fischer said...

if it matters, I get it. not because I'm *there* exactly, but on the threshold. i also get the worry about always sounding negative. i think it is a common sentiment among bloggers.

reevaluation is always a good thing, i think. uncomfortable, like growing pains. but growth nonetheless...

:)

Elizabeth Fleming said...

Thanks to both of you--I really appreciate your comments. It always helps to know I'm not alone and that others understand this place I'm in, both with motherhood and with writing.

Alisha said...

i don't think you are too sad on here. you're beautifully honest and i enjoy it. reality is depth of emotion, and when it is deep (and not whiny, which i have NEVER seen you be), its glorious.

Elizabeth Fleming said...

Alisha, your words are wonderful, thank you for the support you show in this comment. It means a great deal to me to know that you enjoy my writing.