Breathing room

I took a break from posting and working in general this last week, without planning to. Blogging, like anything, goes in waves--there are points where I feel compelled, almost compulsively, to post; at other points there is a lull in my desire to write. The same goes for submissions--sometimes I'll blaze through three in a day, and then there are times where I want to get off the hamster-wheel of editing and sending. My problem can be that when I have these down times my mental chatter feels like I "should" be doing more. This week somehow I have been able to step back and be generally accepting of my lack of drive. It's when I power through when I don't feel like creating that the inevitable stress takes over. I also haven't been shooting much, which is a bit unusual, but it may be that some thoughts need to marinate in my brain and I just have to trust that ideas are churning around at the back of my consciousness and will come together when they're ready to.

For now I've been practicing guitar again for the first time in ages, meditating at night before bed, and actually wanting to go to sleep early, which is highly out of the ordinary. Part of it may be that I'm starting to mindfully let go of caring about the public presentation of my work, and when that fear dissolves--that desire to be seen, recognized, and applauded--there's room for stepping back and putzing around a little. One big decision I made for the New Year was to set limits for myself on things I use as procrastination tools--I narrowed down my blog roll to only those sites that I'm truly drawn to, and I deleted my Google Analytics accounts. It wasn't helpful for me to see how much traffic was coming to my site--if anything it made me more aware when writing of my "audience." I think getting rid of that has been part of why I feel an opening up, and an ability to relax within my creative process that I haven't tapped into in a while. Like anything there's never a permanent state of being; next week I may feel compulsive again and not want to be quiet, but for now I'm relishing the silence in my head.

Comments

thespacebetween said…
So well put. When do we stop doing things for an audience? I have looked for applause since I was a kid, and in the brief times that I have not sought it, I have felt creative and content. I admire your desire to let go a little, and be a bit more organic. It's nice to not force and to enjoy the process.

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