Blogs are a strange thing--it's so easy to be seen smiling out of a picture at an opening, and to be genuinely happy that night, and to present this version of your life that is at once true and too simple. I want to thank the people who have helped me, but sometimes it all can feel like hubris, and not necessarily meaningful to my readership, whoever those readers may be. Pardon my mood, I'm wiped out from a succession of busy weekends...
James and I talk often about "impostor syndrome," a term we learned from a good friend who is currently earning her PhD at Harvard, and one of the most brilliant people we know. She told us that so many people in her program suffer from the above that they hold seminars on the topic. I find this comforting, as I think I may be one of the afflicted. I wonder if we all are, to some degree. Is there anyone who's found the key to supreme and constant self-confidence?
It does feel somehow ungrateful to "out" myself--I don't want to write a post that appears to not recognize what I've got and where I am, but through this blog I also hope to be authentic, and I feel I'd be lying if I didn't at least give some voice to my insecurities, which are plentiful. I often wonder if Alec Soth suffers from impostor syndrome, if the up-and-comers and big guns are just as nervous and self-doubting as those of us trying to get our names out there. It always makes me feel less alone to hear about the anxieties of those at the top, and makes me wonder why we as a collective species seem somewhat more inclined to doubt ourselves than to be able to relax into our accomplishments. For me I think I fear that all of it will dry up--I've had my run and that's it, or my next creative endeavor won't be as well-received, or won't be what I envisioned.
Some of what I'm feeling currently stems from a portfolio review I attended last week in which a curator dubbed my work, if I remember correctly, "overly sentimental" and generally too simplistic. While there were nuggets of wisdom to be gleaned from the exchange, I left with the sense that my images were seen in an entirely different light than intended, which is the frustration of art I suppose, that it's all so bleeping subjective. But more on that another day, I need to go write some thank-you emails for said review.